X-Hotels™ launch – from the founders of 5 Star Raft Hotels™

Apr 2nd, 2010 | By | Category: Fun stuff, News, Popular

Re-printed from CreteTravel.com blog (April Fools 2010)

An astonishingly timely hotel concept launches today with the opening of the first 7 hotels in the newborn X-Hotels™ chain. This infant in the worldwide hospitality scene is expected to grow fast – there will be 30 X-Hotels open within 6 months and brand-linked cafes and restaurants under the X-Presso™ and X-Delectable™ names will start appearing on every continent by year’s end.

After the record breaking success of 5 Star Raft Hotels (only one problem occurred with a 5 Star Raft Hotel that is still un-tethered and floating in a non-constant elliptical pattern in the south China seas) X-Hotels chairman and CEO Goodnight Sleep will preside over the launch today which will be screened live at Wi-Max cinemas worldwide (3D glasses provided).

A revolutionary and discriminatory pricing system will use data gained from customer’s internet search preferences to fix a price that the Psycho-Pricing™ system shows they will at that moment, be willing to pay. No more crude REV PAR and revenue management systems. Where one guest is “happy” to pay 300 dollars another may pay only 37 all the way on up to the X-Presidential Suites – that’s what they’ll be quoted. Prices might vary for these 400 square meter dens of luxury and convenience, from 200 to 357,000 dollars per night.
In most cases check-in will take place after each guest has been amply welcomed at the hotel bar – experience shows that this “conditions” guests to be a bit more free-spending, thus agreeing to a higher per night room price.

Rooms will all be equipped with rainforest™ shower heads to give a “real meaty shower” avoiding the dribbling faucet experience justified in a lot of feverishly eco-obsessed hotels today.

X-shaped pools improve swim-flow during peak swimming hours.

A new active social policy from X-Hotels means we won’t charge any sales taxes, VAT or hotel taxes – we just don’t charge them, we don’t believe in them. So we take care of squeezing this money back out of the politicians so you don’t have to pay it when you stay at an X-Hotel, why should you?

With an XtraFast™ growth strategy, the chain is expected to quickly become the world’s first “Too Big to Fail” hotel chain and part of the pitch to investors has been this very approach and the top goal to find its own way to benefit from Geithner/Bernanke-Care.

Modeled on the original English pub system of Public bar and Lounge bar – X-Hotels will be designed to operate well in areas of the world where rival warlords would never be seen drinking together….from Check-in counter and lobby areas, to cafes, restaurants and bars there will be “two sides” to everything – designed by renegade UN peacekeeping officials-turned-architects.

Why the name “X-Hotels”? CEO Goodnight Sleep says “it’s obvious really, X is the next letter available in the one letter brand market and we decided on a name that’s easy to remember, write and say – or at least have fun trying. Also we decided to take it before anyone else got there”.

We will also theme some elements of each country’s X-Hotels to provide the ideal haven, for example in the UK guests will be able to enjoy the total lack of surveillance cameras and also be provided with dummy camera toys in case withdrawal symptoms set in. In the USA “no change” zones will be provided to offer peace and quiet and a chance to really relax in the Homeland.

In the larger X-Hotel Resorts there’s a new Gordon Brown room for those who wish to be on a deprived diet or think “pain and suffering, guilt and misery are good for longevity”.  Specialist misery therapists will give you the best “reduction and deterioration” treatment anywhere.

These larger leisure properties will also have an Obama-Care™ Spa Courtyard and Lounge offering a self service set of therapies (had to be self-service because no doctor or qualified professional was willing to appear within the walls of this new offering) . The Deluxe X-massage Self-Massage can only be imagined!

Proof of the future success for X-Hotels is seen in the large number of enthusiastic TripAdvisor reviews prior to the opening of the first hotel.

The first 7 X-Hotels:

X-Hotel Bleeker street, Manhattan
X-Hotel Adobe, Santa Fe, NM
X-Hotel Monterey Bay, CA
X-Hotel Miraflores, Lima, Peru
X-Hotel Leicester Square, London
X-Hotel Ronda , Andalucia, Spain
X-Hotel, Kano, Nigeria

In July the X-Hotel Rangoon will bring luxury back to Burma.

A NASDAQ listing is planned for early April 2011

X-Hotels™ = Xceptional Xhilarating Xciting and Xtraordinary™

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X-HOTELS
For further details contact (On 1st April 2010):
Frank Opignon – press, push and pull
Eggs Welldone – commercial contracts

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