Weightless Hotels and Resorts ™ Launch Today! April First, 2013

Apr 1st, 2013 | By | Category: Fun stuff, News

Inspired by the numerous companies developing trips into outer space and the opportunities to enjoy the weightless experiences of zero gravity, Weightless Hotels and Resorts™ are creating one of the most revolutionary luxury hotel experiences, since the electronic room key card.

Better than a spa, you will feel the total absence of weight. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “take a load off”.
Responsibilities literally float away, even those you still want, if you don’t grip and hold on to them. In fact everything floats away from you – and you from it. At first it may seem that entering the restaurant, or even taking a shower will be a problem. Not for long, we have taken care of that; when you check in we explain all about the HoldMe partial gravity systems you can call on, when you want to “stay” somewhere, or go to a particular place.

Silent elevators. No more worrying whether your room is too close to the elevators – they are silent. No doors or gates to clang, no motors whirring. The elevators are shafts you enter and float up or down to the floor you want. The first time you just step off into the corridor is truly exciting.

The new airless duvet comforters are perfect. If you often find the bed covers too hot or too cold, this is a dream come true. In the interests if hygiene and conservation no bed linens or blankets are used at all, just set the thermostat in your room to “between the sheets” and the temperature will be set to keep the air around you at the optimal temperature for warmth or coolness and sleep. In most cases we will already have scanned your Facebook page, your emails and if you take advantage of our DNA Personality Profile Matrix Service, we will have pre-set all levels to the ideal Weightless Paradise levels to suit you, and only you, wherever you are in the hotel.

How do you sleep, or more to the point how to you stay in one place in a weightless Weightless Hotel™? You enter the HoldMe Spring Bed (incidentally this is likely to be the most comfortable bed you’ve ever floated on or in). This is a big person-sized Gravity-Clip which you “open” and lie within horizontally or vertically, it’s like a giant clipboard spring but one that exerts no pressure, just a person-sized Multi Jet Partial Gravity Field, so you don’t float somewhere you’d rather not be, during the night. For romantic weekends set the HoldMe Spring Bed to “cuddle” and you are in for a TREAT! The King Size Bed settings have controls for “closeness” which allow you to vary how close you are held by the clip to the person next to you. Avoids all that joggling and position-stuck discomfort that gravity imposes upon you!

The Weightless Floating Point Reservation System™ using our most advanced intelligent database (for the technically minded, this combines SQL with Hadoop) and “considers” everything we know about you, which is A LOT, to customise your stay.
We accept WeightlessExpress, Bitcoins and all recently created currencies. Also, “Sinking gravitational payment systems” such as Euros, Dollars and Yen, are accepted at the stellar exchange rates we set daily and with a 3% service charge applied.

Weightless Concierge™. Anything you want to know about the part of the galaxy your Weightless Hotel or resort floats in, and what items of interest may be floating past. Our concierge knows all those hidden, secret, and privileged trendy places to enhance your stay. Hot spots, hot meteors, weightless flea markets and sculpture exhibitions are popular features, as well as newly close floating historic sites. This “local” knowledge is especially helpful in an area which has continually changing items floating within a short float-taxi trip, or Weightless-walk away.

Weightless Cocktails at the Kilo Bar – always welcome in weightless space conditions. The Flamed Rum Ruin is a cocktail that flames like a galactic fireball, we supply fireproof partial gravity gloves.

Weightless snacks and dinners. Many find the weight reduction programs tempting. Temptation is what they are all about. You can order our Chateaubriand steak and watch it float out of reach…or if you have to, activate the TakeABiteNow gravity simulator and tuck in with a weight-enhanced knife and fork. It’s your choice.

Weightless Fitness Centre and Spa with Weightless Oils and Bathrobes. Grab the leaflet as it floats past, it’ll tell you more about the fitness programmes.

The swimming pool. Have you been weightless swimming before? Try it and you’ll never put up with “heavy water” again!

Restaurants include Lite Fair and Floating Feast. Snacks available 24 hours a day at the Fly Away Canape lounge pod.

Bedrooms have weight-gain slippers – with these you can walk around as if in a normal gravity environment, especially useful when taking a shower, in which otherwise it is very hard to remain in range of the shower water and not float out dripping wet, into the room. Showers by the way, have “GravitizedWater”, unique to Weightless Hotels and Resorts, which allows a normal shower to be taken just like you would on Earth…the water flows from the shower head and out down the drain. How does this work? The neutro-gravitationization of water was invented by professor Hevvie Pound at the University of Grounded Thinking, Earth Campus.

All that’s left standing, is to book now, before the Weightless Hotel and Resort™ near you now, floats by.

Special introductory offers include the ‘Float now, Weigh Later’ package and ‘Keep Me In Space’ weekends.

Although of no relevance and little interest to sane guests, all locations have been fully certified today and comply with the First Day of April Initiative signed and agreed by the IMF, Federal Reserve, EU and UN Weightless Fund. However, we attach most weight to the opinions of our guests.

Manager: Jack Float-Bye
Marketing and Press: Prudence Sailing-Past

Today, Weightless Hotels and Resorts are owned, by the Final Frontier Corporation of Weightless, Nevada, Earth.

Zero gravity health and safety certification certificates applied for.

Weightless Hotels and Resorts will be floated as an independent weightless public Company on NASDAQ today.

Qualified Investors can apply to TooBigToFail Here Today Gone Tomorrow LLC for a prospectus.

Finally, we are hiring! Why not float into our HR centre today!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment